A Survivor’s Guide to PSUs

PSUs are complete and complicated microcosms, they never bother themselves with ridiculous management jargon like “Best Practices” or “keeping up with new trends”. They don’t need the world to tell them they are awesome, they know it and believe it. It takes a special species of Human Being to survive a PSU and come out with their sanity and dignity intact. As a 4 year survivor (and a continuing fighter), I present a few handy tips, that might be useful to present and future generations of PSU workers:-  

      Never ask a question, your boss can’t answer - In a PSU, your boss’s ego is your biggest responsibility. Fragile like a Faberge Egg, it is your primary work responsibility to ensure it is kept intact. It is imperative, that all given time frames. your dumbness exceeds your boss's. When your boss’s bosses are around, it is better to pretend you have been struck with a bout of muteness or if you must speak ask questions that make your boss appear smart. “Sir, what is two plus two, for the life of me, I just can’t figure it out”.

     However, it is impossible to know what you say will offend your boss, hence, avoiding eye contact and using sign language works best. By an accident of fate, if you have an extra degree, or went to a better college, a lobotomy to omit that from memory might work and so will daily offerings to the local deity, praying  no one brings it up. Never attempt to use correct grammar or syntax in your documents, always leave a couple of errors. Nothing gives your boss more joy than proving you wrong and finding fault with your work. That’s the only reason he keeps you around and don’t you forget it. 

     Ass Kissing is a Time Respected Art Form- Flattery in any corporate setup is common enough, may  even be classified as an essential. However, in a PSU,  it takes on this out of this world , Inter-galactic Hyperbole. Words can be illogical, insane and inane, to an innocent bystander you might appear a leftover Mughal courtier kow-towing to the regent. It is not even essential that this be only directed towards your superiors, peers, juniors- everybody deserves a slice of your genius.

Ass kissing is an Olympic Level sport in PSUs and all of us are competing for the gold. All the Time.  Better fall in line or eat dust. Actual Sentences overheard. “ Wah sir, aap to Maalik hain, aap se bad to sirf Manmohan Singh hi yeh policy samajh paye hain”.  “Arre Sir, aap to kya smartie lag rahein hain, yeh yellow shirt pehan kar chamak rahe hai, sooraj bhi aaj pheeka hai”

Make “Yes, Sir” your favourite words in the world- No one is interested in your opinions or ideas. If your Boss says that emails should be replaced with telegraph and pigeon couriers “ Yes, Sir. Good suggestion”.  No one cares if you are surrounded by Man eating tigers, if you have been asked to wait, the only acceptable response is “Yes Sir”. Write it down, memorise it, tattoo on your forearm if it helps.

      You are under the radar all the time- NASA learnt intelligence surveillance from PSU Bosses.  He should know at all times who you talk to and when, tea and coffee breaks should have prior approval. Work or no work. It helps, if you synchronise your bathroom breaks with his. Your boss and most of your colleagues (in a 10,000 people company that is a lot of people) will know all details about your personal life, the cuisine you like, car you drive, why aren't you married, where your sister works etc. All questions can be better answered by your colleagues than you. After all, they have invested more time and energy in figuring these out. 

     We don’t change, we make change change- We pride ourselves on being 150 years behind the world in Technology and thinking.  It probably is the only institution, where the sentence “I don’t have email” still can be heard without inciting horror and disbelief. If technology is the enemy, modern thinking, a bigger one. What, Men and women are having lunch together? What next? Co-ed schools.

     We invented the Grape Vine-Gossip keeps the workforce young and healthy. Every organization should invest in infrastructure and set some time aside when employees can indulge in some old fashioned Chinese Whispers. It encourages innovative thinking and is a natural Team Building exercise.  PSUs can give lessons, gossip is how the employees bond. Gossip is a currency you can redeem for a day off or even your next promotion.  Being in the loop is of utmost importance. Make it about your co-workers, don’t worry about the accuracy,  gaps can always be  filled with imagination.

      PSUs have a dress code- Never look good in your clothes. Wear chappals to office, wear the same ill-fitting shirt, un-ironed trousers for a week. Wear T-shirts with inappropriate quotes , wear Janpath style tops in neon hues, wear anything inappropriate and you will meld in. Investing in one’s appearance is a waste of time and money. Dress to impress and senior management might think you have way too much time and too much money. 

      Avoid work to earn respect- This is where true talent separates men from the boys, dodging work, looking busy doing nothing. Playing the victim, escalating whining to a performance art. Always threatening with random policy quotes. Or the classic punch in , go watch a movie, come back, Punch out. These are the true PSU stars! There is another breed, the mules who end up sitting the entire day, doing work, hoping it might actually lead to some actual rewards, hopefully, these guys would see the light soon. 

      Keep the Paper Industry profitable-  Why make one copy if you can make a thousand. An email is not going to be read, unless a printout of it is placed in your boss’s hand.  A communication should be sent to everyone in hardcopy, so your epistolary art can be appreciated as it truly deserves.

     Women are to respected in a very respectable way- Everyone is very considerate, No one should expect a women to work, no one should issue invitation to women for meetings, no one should burden women with unnecessary promotions or Training Programmes or Foreign trips or important work projects. Because everyone should respect women’s time and capability constraints. But, god forbid, if a woman happens to have that singular disease “ambition”, she really is  on her own.

Follow these few simple rules and you will not only live to tell your grandchildren about your experiences you might actually become a dyed in wool, true-blue PSU wallah.... 

Work, Life and something in between

Scott Adams may be the most influential Management thinker of all times, through his daily strip- Dilbert and his spookily familiar characters, he has managed to de-construct the workplace, stereotype the entire corporate culture and reduce management practices to the lowest common denominator.  His ideas resonate with thousands of us in Corporate Jobs, he doesn’t give a top down or bottom up, but an in there, down and dirty view of follies and foibles. We have had numerous Management theories, processes, systems, all of which are trying to streamline, productivise, raise the bottom-line, blah, blah . But all these ignore few fundamentals principles- Employees are humans, they are sentimental, emotional, imperfect and most importantly have lives outside the Office too. As the boundaries between work and home become blurred Adams makes us realize how important it is to maintain balance but even more so our sanity. Adams unashamedly makes fun of managers with their ear to the ground, waiting  for the newest buzzword and trying to catch the next ‘fad’ train. He has cleared up some of the basic, perplexing questions such as:-

• Why sometimes being in an organization is like being in a cult, on the inside it seems nothing less than divine calling, to everyone else its a collection of nut jobs.   
•  Why If you haven’t died working or atleast got in a coma during the financial closing , you probably were not ‘aligned’ enough with the company’s mission and vision.
• Why you should most definitely miss your friend’s  birthday to attend an office party, because 8 hours a day is not enough time to ‘bond’ .  
• Why you should keep changing everything from point A to B, then from B to A,  because consultants need the  money.
• Why HR people are only interested in coining ridiculous recognition programmes, Nazis about  the right  dressing codes, and obsessed with  getting the ‘name’ right.  Because they are evil, and don’t have any real work or talent.

After a thorough study of his books and strips, the Conclusion is that I am a valued employee in an Indian PSU, but if I was a zombie I would be valued more.  

I traverse labyrinths of corporate policies and navigate mazes built with paper every day, the written is sacrosanct and asking questions (especially ones laced with logic) absolutely criminal. Like Adams says, as a law of natural selection, Idiots are promoted to Management, that’s  where they can do the least harm. We were employed to DO, THINKING isn’t in our Job Description. I want to be good at what I do, but I don’t want work to be a sum total of my existence. At the moment, possibility of a universe where these two goals would coincide seems remote. Work and Life have become either, or choices and finding a balance is near impossible. 

The best manager I have ever seen was at my first job, he would shut his laptop precisely  at 6, scold you because you were working on the very Saturday , a new Harry Potter book was releasing. Always told you, that just make enough money to enjoy a coffee at Barista with friends now and again , beyond that has been a waste of time. Like he always implied, a career and a salary is important, but what is it worth is entirely up to you. No one in the history of the universe has ever had it 'ALL'. 

A (the) Women’s Day

I had started collecting inputs for this piece almost a year back. My aim was to attempt and create a generational and gender progress chart in the landscape and perspectives pertaining to Women’s issues, especially in the workplace. Then, I did not have an original opinion to offer. I wish I could say that I have spent the last year contemplating and introspecting what it means to be a woman in the corporate world, I did not, honestly feel the need to.  Now that another Women’s Day has come and gone, just one of those days where I have hugged and wished and chatted with other women, ‘celebrating’ this day.  The spirit of it, feels lost.

Three events that happened today that struck me, one was a snide remark by male colleague that today we (the women) can walk “chauda ho kar” (puffed up), another was lack of clear understanding by any woman why Women’s Day is celebrated (I was part of this embarrassingly uninformed group), and lastly the inability or unwillingness of 10 women in an office of 60 men to sit down one day together for lunch to share food and conversation.

Male Bashing is and excellent sport besides being spectacularly easy (they make it so), I can write a thousand clever words on the subject which will elevate the readability of this entry. Unfortunately, it is not the answer, the irrefutable truth is that women are a minority in any workforce. Male opinions, as staggeringly uninformed as they might be, affect the quality of our work-life.  And the amount of resentment laced in that remark (walking 'puffed' up) and the prompt defensive justification when it wasn’t received in good humour are quite telling of the pervasive insensitivity and sheer lack of consideration for women. Put simply, men need to learn how to talk to women without being asses. There are a thousand shades of disrespect, and it comes in all shapes and sizes.

Another hurdle is that women don’t understand what women’s issues are, and very few actually care. Though, it does makes excellent drawing room conversation, and apparently is the ‘in’ thing to chat about. After all from Shabana Aazmi to Hillary Clinton, everyone seems to be talking about it. Words like 'empowerment', 'work-life balance', 'breaking the glass ceiling' have a nice sound and roll off the tongue quite easily. Women’s Day has become a sort of vacuous Valentine’s Day version of the concept, women wish each other, write mushy messages, exchange gifts, go out in packs and enjoy freebies at malls and restaurants. Without pausing to reflect why and what this day is meant to accomplish, which makes it, as a friend puts it “a mere farce of a day”.

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women” Madeline Albright has been quoted to say, I hope it doesn’t imply that we have to help ‘all’ women. Because, in that case we are doomed to roast till all eternity, all of us. Very few women believe in Gender Solidarity, women regard each other as competition. Unlike men, we don’t band together, we don’t believe in getting to know each other outside work, male colleagues go out for drinks together, but women don’t go out shopping together. We don’t think to take a younger female colleague under our wing, neither do we think of picking up the slack for another women in need.

An opiniated, but un-informed speech from a soap box is the last thing this day needs. Therefore, in my humble opinion, the best thing we can do on Women’s Day is prefix it with “just another”  rather than “the”. And that is a place to start. 

A Tourist In My Own City

View from the Minaret: Behind the Gate is Meena Bazar

The best part about vacations is playing a tourist, probably more than visiting a new place. Tourists are curious creatures- they wear fanny packs and white baseball caps, they ooh and aah at modes of transportation, marvel at the garbage dumps and worry about germs when eating Gol Gappas. Maybe only because they are paying to see this new place and have to rationalize their decision.

The undeniable truth is almost anything is forgiven when you are a stranger to the land- ignorance of food, customs, cultures, the inability to navigate the roads and constantly and irritatingly asking for directions. Being a tourist lends you a cloak of anonymity, an “I-don’t-care” attitude, and a less than usual consideration for public opinion.

So, when a friend suggested we play tourists in Delhi, and actually go inside monuments and heritage sites, we are usually content to admire from afar, walk past or reminisce about as locations of school picnics. I was daunted, his days in Delhi are numbered, mine are not. He may be able to justify spending perfectly good weekends inside historical monuments, jostling with real tourists, looking at obnoxiously smug honey-mooners. He will be gone but I will be here, at the business end of all the pointing and laughing. So after countless rounds of attempted cancellations, inventing unforeseen circumstances and praying for rains, even my fertile imagination ran out of fuel. A plan was made. To visit Old Delhi.

Chandni Chowk is definitely a “must-see” place for any tourist in Delhi, and for any Delhiite, it is “hope-not-see-it-very-often”. The world famous Jalebis are served next to freshly dug-out sewage, you tend to find yourself sitting next to obnoxiously smug, lassi chugging Punjabis at Durga Prasad Dixit Paranthe wala. If your kidney, lung and liver are still in place after the rickshaw ride through the tight katras, you are amongst the chosen few. The blindingly sparkling, sequins and what not studded sarees, make shopping an experience best to be avoided.

A non-GPS enabled navigation to Jama Masjid, found us in middle of the Sunday Market at Meena Bazar, discovering our way through thousands of shoppers, permanently on-going Metro construction, uncles trying to mow you down with their 30 year old scooters , was a feat that would have done Dora proud.

Though, Jama Masjid itself was a revelation. There is a certain escapist peace here, notwithstanding the funny mumu-type-thing clad foreigners and the loud guides. The long and terrifying climb to the minaret is aptly rewarded with an unparalleled view of the old Delhi. Amidst the bustle , the heat and the frenetic energy of Old Delhi- Jama Masjid is an oasis of cool calm. The simplicity of its construction and austerity of its form belies its religious and historic significance.  

Playing a tourist in your own city, might sound like the bohemian chic thing to do, recommended by most wannabe society posers without real jobs . And while there is a most definite “only-in-Delhi” charm to these unique settings and cast of characters, deep down inside I am just a weekend vegetable, a constructive weekend might just be a weekend spent doing nothing at all.  

Blast from the Past- Poetry from when I was 16!

I was just going through a few poems I wrote in school (who didn't!), though most of them make me cringe now, I thought I'll put few up, just for old times sake! Just want to go back and soothe the 16 year old angst ridden teenage me and tell her to chill out and that its not gonna be as bad as you think it'll be!!

Fallen
Down here in the black dungeon,
I can hear a fooststeps above me,
The familiar red noise deafens me,
drowns my screams for help.
They march over my head,
incessantly, continuously.
Footsteps in rhythm with their heartbeat,
together, in the cold.
nobody stops to notice my outstretched fingers
no one shines a light.
They look, eyes dense with their discontent
They don't know what tears taste like,
they have never fallen themselves.
Black is not part of their utopia,
they continue to walk,
meticulously avoiding the whole below,
conveniently forgetting a fallen friend.

Defeating Road rage with Gandhigiri!

As a Delhi Driver of 7 year vintage, I can safely say I have borne my share of unpleasantness on roads. I have been yelled at, cursed at, abused and fined and and in return I have yelled, cursed, abused and threatened fine. Those who have driven with me will vouch that they have sat many time frozen eyed clutching handles, doors, dashboards for dear life. A truck has rammed in to my car, giving my head a six inch saving grace, I have ran in to a buffalo (though it lived to talk about it), I have struck a parked car, rear ended a garbage rickshaw, broken my headlights, tail-lights, axel, I have fought with cops, parking walas, mercedes walas and auto wala…well, you get the point!

But never before has one of my driving disasters been a pleasant experience. My phone rang while stuck at a red light, picked up, got carried away and drove with the purple garbed phone still stuck to my ear. Cause and Effect-I was asked to pull over by a traffic cop. I did so grudgingly. Well a great end to another great day, I thought.

However, In that moment I made a decision that this was going to be only as unpleasant as I would allow it. No fine in the world was worth the yelling, the blaming, the counter-blaming, aggravation and high blood-pressure this could cause (I have enough of that in my life anyways)

I was at fault and I accepted it. He said “ Pay a thousand bucks”, I didn’t say a word to counter or defend all I said was “I am sorry, I was at fault. But, can I please pay now, Sir. I’d rather not go to the court’ in a tone filled politeness that I was surprised I was even capable of.

I handed him all documents that he asked. He stared at me speechless, I stared back smiling.

He made out the challan and ticketed me, in the end he said he had never ever met a delhi driver who accepted his mistake and willingly paid a fine, there is always a relative or a friend who is higher up than him with that he silently nodded at a Ministry Sticker on my windshield.

In the end he fined me only a 100 bucks and returned the 900! Anyone who has ever dealt with a delhi ‘thulla’ will acknowledge how unprecedented and shocking is such an occurance (doesn’t really bode well for my cop buddy and his friends). But the fact is, they have a bloody hard job, and none of us make it any easier.

But he did me a good turn and I have to pay it forward! Be nice to each other Delhi Drivers and Co. and be nice to the cops. Life is just too short…

A generation of Discontent

"Quarter life Crisis" So this is what its called!

I read an article a while back which examined a social phenomena sweeping urban India, it tried to shed light on why so many 20 somethings are so discontented, disillussioned and unhappy. Whether its work or love, there is always an 'expectation hangover' this valley between what was expected and what it is. And as I was reading it a light went off above my head.

As someone who answers to this description, I asked myself why is it so? We enjoy far more opportunitites as compared to our parents, This generation is far more in sync with the world than any generation before. Choices are wide and deep, be it in career or junk food, we are the paradigm shift. or so they say. But more the number of pastures, greater the shades of green.

We grew up with mcDonanlds, computers, internet, but we also grew up with these tremendous expectations. Study Hard and get a good job and you are set for life. How many of us grew up listening to that and believing this almost romantical fairytale. And we have so many options and opportunities, there are really no excuses for failure and under-performance and definitely none for settling for anything less than perfect. And it is this tyranny of choices and opportunities that is making this the generation of discontent.

The hardwork I have put in, all I have foregone -I want better, I deserve better. It could be better, infact it could be perfect so not only unacceptable, it would be criminal to settle. If work can demand our best, we should be demanding the best of work.

But does this better and best really exist or have we just figured out a mechanism to hardwire dissatisfaction to our DNA?

I wish i had an answer, or even a conclusion to this entry.

All I can say is (never thought I would though) that the good news is thirties are just 4 years away!

My Resolutions for 2011

This is a time honoured tradition, making a list of goals for the coming year. This is a maiden attempt for me. I have never written down in black and white what I want to accomplish in the year. I am good with making lists but bad with following them up (that should be resolution one)

Do one thing a month that absolutely scares me: just this morning I replied to a mail at a work webgroup, which can potentially blow up in my face, and I had heart palpitations for 10 minutes afterwards. But, I participated and raised my hand- No regrets! I have done several things that absolutely scared the hell out of me, but in retrsopect those really were the highlights.

Lose weight: Seriously-its about time!

Stop Caring so much about what other think! Its your life and only you have a 360 degree view of it!

Work Life Balance: Have to, have to pursue other interests, work is important but stop it from sucking every singly moment in you life, it is not healthy or productive. I loved to paint once, rediscover- rekindle that interest.

Read More: People will say that if I read any more then my eyes will fall out of my head, and they will be right. I already read books by kilos not numbers but I need to adjust my 'reading profile' read more productively and to improve my mind.

Travel More: One day of travel will open your eyes more that 10 books. travel off the beaten track, travel to exotic places!

Manage my Finances better: I still dont have a clear idea of how much I make or how much I have in my savings account, this is unacceptable. I never had to worry about money (thanks to my parents), but, managing money is a big part of growing up... its about time I did that.

Value Family more: This is my priority number one, I should make them feel that way too...

Think Less: especially negatively. Thoughts are powerful things. Think good and good things will happen!

So its out there, my 'plan' for the year. Let us do a quarterly review and see where I have reached will keep adding as and when I think of things.