A Survivor’s Guide to PSUs

PSUs are complete and complicated microcosms, they never bother themselves with ridiculous management jargon like “Best Practices” or “keeping up with new trends”. They don’t need the world to tell them they are awesome, they know it and believe it. It takes a special species of Human Being to survive a PSU and come out with their sanity and dignity intact. As a 4 year survivor (and a continuing fighter), I present a few handy tips, that might be useful to present and future generations of PSU workers:-  

      Never ask a question, your boss can’t answer - In a PSU, your boss’s ego is your biggest responsibility. Fragile like a Faberge Egg, it is your primary work responsibility to ensure it is kept intact. It is imperative, that all given time frames. your dumbness exceeds your boss's. When your boss’s bosses are around, it is better to pretend you have been struck with a bout of muteness or if you must speak ask questions that make your boss appear smart. “Sir, what is two plus two, for the life of me, I just can’t figure it out”.

     However, it is impossible to know what you say will offend your boss, hence, avoiding eye contact and using sign language works best. By an accident of fate, if you have an extra degree, or went to a better college, a lobotomy to omit that from memory might work and so will daily offerings to the local deity, praying  no one brings it up. Never attempt to use correct grammar or syntax in your documents, always leave a couple of errors. Nothing gives your boss more joy than proving you wrong and finding fault with your work. That’s the only reason he keeps you around and don’t you forget it. 

     Ass Kissing is a Time Respected Art Form- Flattery in any corporate setup is common enough, may  even be classified as an essential. However, in a PSU,  it takes on this out of this world , Inter-galactic Hyperbole. Words can be illogical, insane and inane, to an innocent bystander you might appear a leftover Mughal courtier kow-towing to the regent. It is not even essential that this be only directed towards your superiors, peers, juniors- everybody deserves a slice of your genius.

Ass kissing is an Olympic Level sport in PSUs and all of us are competing for the gold. All the Time.  Better fall in line or eat dust. Actual Sentences overheard. “ Wah sir, aap to Maalik hain, aap se bad to sirf Manmohan Singh hi yeh policy samajh paye hain”.  “Arre Sir, aap to kya smartie lag rahein hain, yeh yellow shirt pehan kar chamak rahe hai, sooraj bhi aaj pheeka hai”

Make “Yes, Sir” your favourite words in the world- No one is interested in your opinions or ideas. If your Boss says that emails should be replaced with telegraph and pigeon couriers “ Yes, Sir. Good suggestion”.  No one cares if you are surrounded by Man eating tigers, if you have been asked to wait, the only acceptable response is “Yes Sir”. Write it down, memorise it, tattoo on your forearm if it helps.

      You are under the radar all the time- NASA learnt intelligence surveillance from PSU Bosses.  He should know at all times who you talk to and when, tea and coffee breaks should have prior approval. Work or no work. It helps, if you synchronise your bathroom breaks with his. Your boss and most of your colleagues (in a 10,000 people company that is a lot of people) will know all details about your personal life, the cuisine you like, car you drive, why aren't you married, where your sister works etc. All questions can be better answered by your colleagues than you. After all, they have invested more time and energy in figuring these out. 

     We don’t change, we make change change- We pride ourselves on being 150 years behind the world in Technology and thinking.  It probably is the only institution, where the sentence “I don’t have email” still can be heard without inciting horror and disbelief. If technology is the enemy, modern thinking, a bigger one. What, Men and women are having lunch together? What next? Co-ed schools.

     We invented the Grape Vine-Gossip keeps the workforce young and healthy. Every organization should invest in infrastructure and set some time aside when employees can indulge in some old fashioned Chinese Whispers. It encourages innovative thinking and is a natural Team Building exercise.  PSUs can give lessons, gossip is how the employees bond. Gossip is a currency you can redeem for a day off or even your next promotion.  Being in the loop is of utmost importance. Make it about your co-workers, don’t worry about the accuracy,  gaps can always be  filled with imagination.

      PSUs have a dress code- Never look good in your clothes. Wear chappals to office, wear the same ill-fitting shirt, un-ironed trousers for a week. Wear T-shirts with inappropriate quotes , wear Janpath style tops in neon hues, wear anything inappropriate and you will meld in. Investing in one’s appearance is a waste of time and money. Dress to impress and senior management might think you have way too much time and too much money. 

      Avoid work to earn respect- This is where true talent separates men from the boys, dodging work, looking busy doing nothing. Playing the victim, escalating whining to a performance art. Always threatening with random policy quotes. Or the classic punch in , go watch a movie, come back, Punch out. These are the true PSU stars! There is another breed, the mules who end up sitting the entire day, doing work, hoping it might actually lead to some actual rewards, hopefully, these guys would see the light soon. 

      Keep the Paper Industry profitable-  Why make one copy if you can make a thousand. An email is not going to be read, unless a printout of it is placed in your boss’s hand.  A communication should be sent to everyone in hardcopy, so your epistolary art can be appreciated as it truly deserves.

     Women are to respected in a very respectable way- Everyone is very considerate, No one should expect a women to work, no one should issue invitation to women for meetings, no one should burden women with unnecessary promotions or Training Programmes or Foreign trips or important work projects. Because everyone should respect women’s time and capability constraints. But, god forbid, if a woman happens to have that singular disease “ambition”, she really is  on her own.

Follow these few simple rules and you will not only live to tell your grandchildren about your experiences you might actually become a dyed in wool, true-blue PSU wallah....